Pride month has rolled around once again, so I wanted to share a little about how I fit into this massively diverse community.
Granted, it does feel less celebratory this year, as more than ever we are facing increasingly hostile attitudes, fuelled by figures in government, and the toxic battlegrounds of social media over the rights and treatment we deserve, so it can feel quite overwhelming seeing that play out 24/7.
Therefore, one positive that brings me comfort in times like these is the notion of a chosen family. Now I do have my immediate family, one who have thankfully supported me since coming out nearly 10 years ago, but I see chosen family as dear friends and partners who have uplifted and accompanied me up until now – people who have connected, supported, and educated, bringing their presence into your life along with their own lived, queer experiences that informs how you can start to grow into your more authentic self.
This process still feels relatively early personally, as despite being out for a while, it’s only since moving to Manchester 3 years ago that I’ve been more proactive after containing my queer identity mostly to social media. Such platforms are an amazing tool at building a queer network all across the world, but I still missed out on real life experiences apart from the odd social group and pride marches when London based. Long story short, I had to go touch grass.
The scene in Manchester is very accessible, with always something going on if you take a wander into Canal Street – drag queen hosted karaoke nights are a must if you haven’t been. Additionally, it helps that the community is split into many different subgroups. The one I’ve naturally gravitated to is known as the bear community, typically larger guys with beards. One value that drew me when I first discovered it was creating a community that avoids promoting unrealistic beauty standards, especially when most representation of gay men you see are ripped bodies and chiselled good looks, so instead the aim is to foster a non-judgemental space for a diverse range of people and body types. I don’t necessarily agree with things being completely non-judgemental… (everyone can be shady, and cliques still exist in any group), but overall, it’s been incredibly welcoming.
It’s not always been smooth sailing mind. Like most people I know in queer circles, we’ve all faced external and internal struggles that can make navigating even safer spaces like the above challenging. For instance, I’ve battled with my mental health and neurodivergence for as long as I can remember, so when combining the effects of that whilst learning to build yourself up in a traditionally opposed community, a whole bunch of challenges can pop up. This is why it’s also so important that we continue to build representation, resources, and validation so more can be offered to support those who feel more alone on their journeys.
Another surprise is observing how much internal politics divides the queer community, and not being as universally progressive or accepting as one might believe. I’ve witnessed issues relating to misogyny, racism, and more recently transphobia, which can cause intense exchanges of discourse. But being surprised is maybe a flaw with how sometimes we’re expected to perceive an oppressed group as inherently free from problematic qualities – no one is perfect at the end of the day – but if anything, when you go beyond the black and white noise of online arguments and vocal personalities, there is a undercurrent of people learning, listening, and figuring out how to grow the queer movement into one that better champions those living out their lives against the tide of discrimination.
Which draws me back to chosen family. If you’re able to cultivate that for yourself, it can help you feel rooted in an ever-flowing world of difficulties, and with that I’m learning to discover more about myself, and how that can flourish in time.
