If you are in need of a laugh today, look no further! Robin’s unfortunate mishap started something like this… “Take an HP EliteBook 8530 or similar. Other laptops will do but for best results please ensure you have not backed up for two weeks and have created some large and very important files…”. Giggles guaranteed.
I’ve had comments about my new shiny silver rectangular paperweight and have been asked for the recipe; while I don’t in any way wish to encourage you to make one yourself, here goes:
1) Take an HP EliteBook 8530 or similar. Other laptops will do but for best results please ensure you have not backed up for two weeks and have created some large and very important files
2) Pour one very large mug of coffee over the entire keyboard, more in a deluge than by simply dribbling over the number keys. I used a new very large Jasper Conran bone china mug and a milky Americano however I suspect even better results could be obtained with a large tin mug (or even a bucket) and Suchard’s hot chocolate
If you can get your headset cable caught on the arm of your office chair at the same time, sending most things on your desk flying then it’s certain to gain valuable style points. I scored 7 but then again this was from Strictly Come Dancing’s Len and I don’t think he gives any other score.
3) Swear loudly and repeatedly
5) Pull power from laptop and remove battery
6) Panic some more
7) Tip laptop upside down to ensure you also have the carpet to clean as well as the desk, which is now covered in brown soggy pieces of paper
8) Borrow hairdryer from family member, remembering that you too can melt the keys if you get it nice and close. This may or may not improve the ergonomics
9) Switch back on. Watch in awe as several lights flash to raise your hopes, followed by… Nothing
10) Turn oven on lowest possible setting (60 degrees, gas mark 2 or about a foot away from an Aga)
11) Take a deep breath and place laptop in oven, with the door open. Now would also be a good time to consider making some meringues (remember, don’t over-mix and always use a metal spoon. Soft peaks)
12) Bake for an hour or slightly less if fan-assisted (you can remove the meringues after 30 mins)
13) Allow to cool and then switch back on. This time you will see more lights taunting you but the machine will stay resolutely asleep
14) Phone IT in shame. Tell them you have indeed turned it off and back on again, more than once
15) Tell others in the office as well as relative and friends and then delight in the way everyone wants to talk about how frequently they back up THEIR machines (every ten minutes apparently)
16) Swear and then cry a little and say a few words for your trusty laptop that’s been around the world with you a couple of times
17) Start rewriting your most important proposal on your personal machine. You can now do this al fresco, safe in the knowledge that your papers will not fly away in the breeze due to your new, shiny silver laptop-shaped paperweight!